Getting Ready for Dadhood
When I talk with an "expectant dad", I always ask what he wants to know about. It's interesting to me that most of the dads-to-be ask me about the details of pregnancy, of the birth process, of caring for a newborn, and what equipment to buy.

In contrast, when I talk with dads about "what do you wish someone had told you" they never talk about these things. Instead, they talk about managing emotions, about how children change every day, about being present and enjoying each moment, about re-evaluating their own fathers, about habits and patterns which were healthy and which were destructive.

I see in this contrast that expectant dads are very focused on what happens up until the baby comes home and the family "settles back into a routine." I remember myself being focused on surviving the period of turmoil and not giving much thought to what would happen after things settled down.

A friend, whose third child was about to graduate from high school, visited me at the hospital. As he left, he took me aside and said, "Never forget that you aren't having a baby...you are having an adult. It takes a long time." At that moment I realized that I'd given a lot of energy and preparation to the few days surrounding the birth itself and given very little to considering the weeks and months and years ahead of being a dad.

We men tend to feel overwhelmed about the birth and lifestyle changes themselves, much less try to think through the long view. It's easy to tell ourselves that there will be time later to evaluate the patterns in our lives - what's working and not working, what's healthy and not healthy. It's easy to tell ourselves that we'll figure out how to be a good dad later, when the child is older.

That's how we suddenly find ourselves with an "anger problem" about our two-year-old's "lack of discipline." Or find ourselves working later to avoid going home and "having to take over the kids." Or find ourselves indulging in TV, Internet, or buying sprees as addictive forms of distraction. Or worse.

The truth is, we've been "becoming dads" all our lives. The earlier we face ourselves, our habits, patterns, needs to grow, baggage, etc. the better. One of the great gifts of a nine-month pregnancy is that it gives Dad time to chew on things and make some changes. The looming deadline helps us face things that are otherwise all too easy to ignore.

Now is the time, before the baby is born - or at least while they are still babies - to get serious about being the best dad you can be. All of us inherited images of fatherhood that we want to build on (and some we want to avoid). Now is the time to set a pattern in your life of regular heart talks with that mentor, respected family member, spiritual adviser and listener, counselor, or men's support group. Now is the time to start that group you will need a year from now - a lunch group at work of other dads, a discussion group of men from your faith community, a regular gathering with some neighbors and relatives who are also dads, joining one of the many men's organizations which provide support groups, whatever.

The pregnancy lasts nine months, the actual birth less than a day. You have a newborn a few weeks, an infant a few months, a baby a couple years. But you'll be "Dad", not just for the rest of your life, but for that future adult's entire life.

Right now you have a unique combination of opportunity and incentive. Take it on. Make the connections with other men happen. Be intentional, now, about doing the work to free that incredible, gifted Dad that's inside you.

Darren_Cummings@hotmail.com